Company-wide Acronym Mandate Prompts All OMG and No ROI

BERKELEY, CA – In the ever-demanding corporate landscape where greater efficiency means maximum profits, a new directive known simply as ‘S.I.A.O.’ is hoping to set the bar for internal communications everywhere.

‘Speak In Acronyms Only’ is our latest initiative to streamline collaboration,” said C.E.O. Bob ‘Just Call Me B’ Miller of global finance leader SimpliComplicated. “Why waste time telling a team member to “meet in the conference room” when you can simply say, “F.Y.I., H.R. needs you A.S.A.P. in 22-B about a file gone M.I.A. that’s needed before E.O.D. or the project is D.O.A.”?

Despite Bob’s insistence that S.I.A.O. is a game-changing strategy for simplicity, the mandate has nearly every SimpliComplicated employee searching for sanity, with reports of productivity down nearly 280% in less than a week. “I thought W.T.F. meant ‘Wednesday-Thursday-Friday’ for our sales recap,” one befuddled staffer confessed. “My report was, uh, not well received.”

The break room, once a hub of camaraderie, now lingers in linguistic cacophony. “Did you get the memo about the WOMBAT?” asks one employee. “The Waste Of Money, Brains And Time?” another replies. “No, the Weekly Operations Meeting: Bring Appetizers Thursday.”

Even technical support has been caught in the lexical crossfire. “Someone asked for help with their PDFs, so I spent an hour troubleshooting Adobe,” one IT member sighed. “Turns out, they meant ‘Pizza Delivery Fiasco’ from last week’s client lunch.”

The marketing team, in a desperate bid for clarity, created an ‘Acronym Dictionary’—the A.D.—which, unfortunately, requires more time to consult than it does to use. When asked about the internal strife, B Smith seemed not only unaffected, but exuberant about the future. “Whether you’re employed by the C.I.A. or the D.M.V., working in the U.S. or the U.K., with S.I.A.O., I’m A.O.K. with naysayers and say YOLO to FOMO.”

As employees grapple with the new world, or new word order, SimpliComplicated’s stock has taken a tumble, suggesting that the market prefers good old-fashioned conversation and simplicity. Meanwhile, a lowly employee who nurses a bottle of J.D. in one hand and grips his cell phone in the other casually remarks, “I’m on hold with OSHA regarding work-inflicted P.T.S.D.”

How’s that for R.O.I.? L.O.L.