Research Shows Tech Support From Flat Earther Would Be Very, Very, Very Unhelpful

THIS JUST IN: Grumpy Lemon has obtained the transcript of a conversation between some guy seeking help for an internet outage and a tech support agent who happens to be a Flat Earther.

Caller: Yeah, my internet just stopped working.

Flat Earther: Or so you think! You see, your internet connection is being commandeered by government satellites that don’t accept the Earth is flat.

Caller: Huh?

Flat Earther: Move your router to the ground to desynchronize gravity and align it with the true plane of the Earth.

Caller: What kind of tech support is –

Flat Earther: No time!

Caller: Okay, I’ve put it on the floor. Still nothing.

Flat Earther: Hmmmm, classic case of ice interference. You know, the giant ice wall that surrounds us? It sometimes blocks Wi-Fi signals.

Caller: Must of missed that one.

Flat Earther: Now, slowly wave your modem in perfectly straight lines as it amplifies the truth frequency. Also, please ensure there are no cats in the room. They’re known to be agents of the spherical Earth agenda.

Caller: That one might actually make sense.

Flat Earther: Most importantly, wrap some tin foil over your sternocleidomastoid. I don’t exactly know what that is, but just trust me on this one.

Caller: Look, I’m just trying to help my son research his astronomy project.

Flat Earther: A tough feat considering we never went to the moon.

Caller: Can I speak to someone else?

Flat Earther: Who, Elvis? Got him right next to me.

Caller: Yeah, I gotta go.

Flat Earther: Where? The Bermuda Triangle? Area 51? Bet you 5 bucks and a sit down with the Illuminati that you’re gonna miss me.

Caller: Hanging up now.

Flat Earther: JFK was on the Titanic! Watergate wasn’t even a gate! Maybe Rome was built in a day, you never know!