Start-Up to Offer Employees ‘Tech Neck’ Insurance in Lieu of Pay Increase

In an unconventional move that has the tech world buzzing and chiropractors nodding, Silicon Valley start-up GiggleByte has announced what it’s calling a “generous and groundbreaking” addition to its employee benefits package: comprehensive ‘Tech Neck’ insurance. A first of its kind, this supplemental policy covers all ailments arising from excessive smartphone usage, a condition medically known as ‘Text Neck’ but rebranded by GiggleByte as ‘Tech Neck’ to better align with their too-cool-for-old-school vibe.

The Chief Happiness Officer of GiggleByte, Chad Brogrammer, unveiled the policy at a packed press conference, where he was flanked by a team of ergonomics experts and a yoga instructor – the latter of whom seemed to be there primarily to adjust Chad’s posture every time he looked down at his phone, which was often.

“Here at GiggleByte, we’re driven by empathy and recognize the sacrifices our employees make in the line of duty. Countless hours are spent hunched over their devices, swiping, tapping, and enduring pointless notifications,” Chad declared, making eye contact with the audience in between playing Wurgle on his tablet. “It’s time we take responsibility for the occupational hazards of the digital age via this visionary insurance offering.”

The innovative policy, detailed in a 326-slide PowerPoint presentation which caused most audience members to crane their necks uncomfortably, covers a range of head and neck treatments. These include spine adjustments, physical therapy, and, in severe cases, a revolutionary neck brace designed to resemble Gucci’s latest scarf lineup, thus ensuring that employees can recover in style.

But the pièce de résistance of GiggleByte’s exclusive offering is the preventative measure – a company-wide initiative dubbed ‘Look Up, Level Up’. This program encourages employees to take regular breaks from their screens to gaze at a distant object, ideally located outside the nearest window. Those who comply are rewarded with digital tokens redeemable for organic, gluten-free snacks available inside the company’s AI-operated cafeteria. Of course, those employees lacking the attention span to engage can opt for random, app-assisted electric-shock therapy.

Critics have pointed out that GiggleByte’s policy might just be a clever ploy to distract from the larger issue of avoiding essential employee wage increases linked to a pending recession that shows no sign of ever actually happening. But Mr. Brogrammer dismisses these naysayers with a wave of his hand – a hand that, incidentally, was being massaged by a reflexologist to prevent ‘Scroll Thumb’, another condition the company is considering adding to its insurance portfolio.

In the wake of GiggleByte’s announcement, there’s been a ripple effect not just throughout Silicon Valley, but across the world with industries of all sectors scrambling to add similar benefits. Rumors abound that the next big perk could be coverage for ‘Emoji Elbow,’ but for now, some spines are a little straighter, and some smiles a bit brighter – all thanks to a start-up that dared to embrace empathy by turning ADHD into WTF.