Golden Retriever Has “Bone to Pick” With Owner’s Unlimited Time Off Policy

METAMORA, MI – Perched in a recliner from which he’s been told to “get down” over 700 times, Buddy, a once thriving Golden Retriever, now lingers on the peak of depression. Grappling with the complexities of modern corporate culture’s benefits, Buddy can’t wrap his furry head around why his owner, Dave, is constantly absent from home despite his company’s seemingly generous vacation policy.

“It just doesn’t add up,” woofed Buddy, as he chewed anxiously on his master’s leather slippers. “Dave keeps talking about his ‘unlimited PTO,’ but all I see is him juggling his laptop, phone and a cup of joe as he rushes out the door. I was promised more frisbee throwing and belly rubbing and this ain’t cutting it.”

The policy, touted by Dave’s employer and consulting firm, Better Together Forever LLC, as a major perk, supposedly allows employees to take as much time off as they need, as long as their work is done. But, in practice, it seems to translate to ‘feel guilty anytime you’re not working.’ Buddy, who has mastered the art of guilt-tripping with his soulful eyes and a nose for nonsense, finds this corporate strategy amateur at best.

“I’ve tried every trick in the book – the sad stares, the whimpering, the ‘I haven’t been to the park in days’ look. But Dave just pats my head, says something about ‘deadlines,’ and leaves,” lamented Buddy, his tail drooping in disappointment. “I thought unlimited time off meant more power walks, not PowerPoints.”

Concerned neighbors report seeing Buddy gazing longingly out the window. “He looks so hopeful in the mornings, but by evening, it’s like he’s aged a year,” commented Mrs. Patterson, who’s been providing unsolicited but much-appreciated ear scratching in Dave’s absence.

In a recent development, the ever-loyal Buddy managed to schedule a meeting with Better Together Forever’s HR department to discuss the misleading nature of their vacation policy and benefits. Unfortunately, the appointment was canceled due to Dave’s sudden conference call, leading Buddy to question the viability of any human-made policy.

As he settles in for another long day of waiting, Man’s Best Friend can’t help but wonder if ‘unlimited time off’ is just another human fantasy, like squirrels that don’t run away or a never-ending supply of biscuits. Nonetheless, Buddy watches the door, his golden fur tinged with the dark dismay of a dog who’s learned that in the corporate world, ‘unlimited’ is a very limited concept.